This is what I came home from work to on Wednesday evening. Poor Little Buddy was not feeling well at school and got picked up early by his babysitter. I was about an hour away so I could not get to him fast enough. He started off the day with a slightly runny nose and ended up like this, simply pathetic. Here is where I am going to get pathetic myself. When my older two were little I didn't work, or I saw private patients when they fit into my schedule. I was always there for them when they were ill, for field trips, volunteering at school and such. I am not with this little one and I have some mother's guilt about it. He is well cared for by people who love him when I am away, still I feel bad that I actually have to work and that it is a priority. I do not get sick days or holidays as I am a contract employee. So any time off I do not get paid for. He still gets loads of attention and love from me but it isn't the same as it was with my older two. I usually am okay with it but when he is sick I just feel awful I can't be with him all the time. His sickness is still going on although he is loads better. Just coughing a lot. We have spent all day Friday and today together so that helps.
We got all of his homework done yesterday afternoon and this morning. He is all caught up with his assignments from missing two and a half days of school. I also had his IEP at school yesterday. All of you teachers out there know how emotional they can be. I am blessed he is in a superb school with so many dedicated people working to help him to be the best he can be. Still it is hard to hear how much he still needs to do to get caught up to his peers. He does not test well on standardized testing and that is always frustrating for me as he is much smarter than those tests indicate. His brain works very differently than a typical child. He is a work in progress my boy. I have to remind myself that he was born dead, actually dead and 13 weeks early. He had two grade IV bleeds in that wee little brain of his causing so much damage, along with massive seizures, well when I think about it like that he is doing just fine. You know I think he is a miracle, I am just a bit emotional about the whole week and I have a bad headache so that always makes me a bit more sensitive about everything.
Bear and Hank were very concerned about their brother when he was not feeling well. While he was sleeping on the sofa they kept coming to check on him. They do love this little boy. They are off to the groomer this afternoon. I am not even sure they can see anymore with their faces so full of fur. I wanted to show you a before photo because by 7 pm tonight they are going to look completely different.
Now that I am finished with all those baby blankets I have returned to my Slouchy Stripe Cardigan, without the stripe of course. I stopped working on this to get those three blankets done. I have one arm and the collar to go and this project will also be finished. Hooray!
I saw another flower on my beautiful hibiscus plant this morning. This plant might flower twice a year with only one or two blooms, so I have to take as many photos as I can to savor their beauty.
Okay, I am off my friends. I am wishing you good health, peace and love. Have a good weekend.
Poor little guy to suffer through that.. and I'm sorry about your mother guilt.. but you are our hero for how you adopted this little guy and gave him such a wonderful home.. remember you're doing wonderful things. I'm glad he's better, my friend. I look forward to seeing the "After" photo of your fur boys. And I'm SO jealous of that hibiscus.. I need one of those!
ReplyDelete((hugs)), Teresa :-)
Being a mum is not easy.I worked full time and had no family close by.You feel guilty all the time but my kids have turned out fine!!I hope little Buddy is better soon.I have followed his story from the start and I think it is quite amazing what he (and you) have achieved.Give yourself a pat on the back.You are doing a fantastic job with Little Buddy.He is so lucky to be with your family.
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to seeing the post grooming pictures.Barbarax
My migraines leave my emotions very exposed as well.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had my second--and final--child, I also felt very guilty about being a working mother. When you know it's the last one, that makes things all the more weighty.
Your love in his life is so constant, so apparent, and so tangible to him. He knows.
Hugs to you--your love for Lil Buddy will fill all voids. I hope he is feeling better now. The hibiscus bloom is incredible!
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you how many times I cried myself to work when my kids were little. I stayed home with them running a home daycare until they went to school and then I went back to teaching. The transition was terrible for me and them. It's one of the reasons Daughter isn't having any children. She has school loan debt that will last her lifetime so staying home isn't an option. That makes me so sad.
ReplyDeleteOh Meridith when the young ones are sick they look so so so sick and so darling. Glad Little Buddy is beginning to feel better. What a sweet boy to catch up all his school work too! Bear and Hank are so full of being good - until of course they think up something fun, looking forward to seeing them with their haircuts.
ReplyDeleteYour hibiscus blossoms are so richly colorful - glad you took photos to share. The cardigan you are working on looks so very soft.
Hugs.
Joy
He looks much better at the table. Your dogs look very concerned. They are all so sweet. Love your hibiscus. The color is so pretty.
ReplyDeletePoor dear little man, I hope he is back to full strength very soon. And you must try very hard never to feel guilty, you are absolutely the very best mum a boy could have. And he has two puppies to look after him. I love how dogs look after the people in their pack. The cardigan is looking good. I tried some crochet the other day, you will laugh when you see it, it was a complete disaster. I am back to happily stocking stitching up and down a small knitted blanket now. Although the crochet hook and the ball of yarn are still out... CJ xx
ReplyDeletePoor wee man.... I am thinking of you Meredith, being a full time working mum can be emotionally difficult. I am far less involved with my youngest two than I was with the older ones. It is just life, I try not to feel bad about it and enjoy the time we have and watch them thrive and grow up into confident boys. Not always successfully so I should say. Your little one is such a fighter, what an adverse start to life. Looking at him now, it is amazing how well he does. I don't like standardised tests, they fail to take into account any life circumstances that are not average. Our James is always "underperforming" and sometimes I worry and sometimes I get frustrated but he is such a happy boy and he has a beautiful personality, which goes a long way in life. Have a lovely weekend with this sweet boy of yours. xx
ReplyDeleteOh, Meredith! I will be praying for Little Buddy! You are a fantastic mother to this definite miracle of God! The love you pour out on him continuously is everything. Don't compare mothering him in this season of your life to your prior season of mothering your older boys. It's all different. You give him exactly what HE needs.
ReplyDeleteAs for those beautiful pups, my Percy can't see out on the world either! He is desperate for a trip to the groomer. Being 100% poodle, he's a furry mess!!!
Have a beautiful weekend, my friend.
Love,
Danette
Oh, I'm sorry that LB has been ill. Being a working mum is such an emotional tug of war but don't stress about it. You know that working is the best thing you can do to provide for your family.
ReplyDeleteAs long as the children have stability and security, they will be fine. Of course, you are LB's one and only Mum and no one can take your place. Even though you have had to delegate some of the supervision and caring to babysitters, LB knows that you love him.
Kids are very resilient as he has shown by surviving the fight to stay alive in the first place and now by getting better and catching up on his schoolwork.
Even if he isn't at the same level as his same-age peers, he is making progress and that's what counts. He may take a bit longer, or travel a different path to other kids to get to where he needs to be, but they all get there eventually.
I hope your eldest is going well. It is good that he is close enough that you can accompany him on appointments etc.
Big hugs to you and all your boys including the furry ones who are so adorable in the way they care for their human brother. xxx
It is obvious to all that you are a great Mum and idolise that sweet boy, you do the best that you can. Nobody can ask anymore of you. Those fur babies are a delight. Mickey is ready for a good cut and brush up too.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that Little Buddy was so miserable and that it is difficult for you to be with him as much as you would like. To me, you love amazingly well! Those blooms are so beautiful...thanks for sharing them. xx
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear Little B hasn't been well. You certainly should not feel guilty as you are giving your little guy everything he could possibly need and more. I'm not a fan of standardized testing for anyone. The whole school system needs a major overhaul. You have to believe that he is exactly where he needs to be and there's so much more to his accomplishments than any old outdated test could ever convey. Those furboys make me laugh every time I see them. Take care!
ReplyDeleteJust remember without that job you would not have little buddy at all so dont feel guilty
ReplyDeleteI can commiserate with the mother's guilt. I had to leave my baby girl (who's 22) home alone while sick for the first time ever this past winter. She's 22! She can take care of herself! It was the first time ever having to leave one of the kids home alone while they were sick I felt HORRIBLE about it. Glad Little Buddy is feeling better now. There are some nasty bugs making the rounds on top of allergy season.
ReplyDeleteAw he looks so sick and sad. That's got to be so worrisome. As of rmOther guilt Mere, so sorry. And those headaches of yours. just stink!! Your hibiscus is my favorite shade of hibiscus! I don't like th red ones .
ReplyDeleteKeep your needles and hooks going for sanity sake!!
Sorry the IEP is rough. I can't imagine. But you are his best advocate!!!! He will succeed because of you
Mother guilt is the worst guilt of all, isn't it? Even when everyone says, "Oh, don't feel that way" or "you're the best mother!" - even though we know deep down those things are true, our hearts still break over certain things we did or didn't do. That ol' woulda shoulda coulda will haunt us forever! Please just know that you are doing YOUR best every single day for Little Buddy, yourself, and your family. I'm so sorry you don't get paid sick days though...that is terrible.
ReplyDeleteI with Tammy ^ - I am not a fan of standardized testing at all. I worked in the school system for years and saw firsthand how stressed ALL the children would be over these tests. One year I was an inclusion aide for an autistic child and he just could not take these tests, even with my guidance. Of course, the school system and State have all these stupid guidelines and testing standards, etc and if a child doesn't "live up to them", then supposedly they are not doing well. Which is not true at all. I know so many people who have pulled their kids out of the school system and are homeschooling - for not only these reasons, but of course, other reasons as well. And these children are brilliant and thriving.
Even when I think back to when I was a kid - I did horrible on standardized testing - even through high school. I am very smart (sorry, I am not bragging, just trying to tell my point) but totally froze when it came to these tests. I would freak out a little and just blow my way through the tests, especially the math portions where I wasn't confident. I didn't even try. Anxiety would rear its ugly head.
You are a wonderful mama, Meredith...and Little Buddy is an absolute miracle. And he is thriving and doing SO well. Now take some deep breaths and remind yourself of all this. xoxo
his ears always get pink when he's badly ill. he is such a darling. just to know that he is yours and you're building a beautiful young man to go with your other young men! they are all so wonderful. how can you not realize every minute how Quality is your mothering!
ReplyDeleteand you go through enough in just one day that piling guilt on top of it can only make you more vulnerable to illness yourself.
and I always read every comment here. we've got your back at least emotionally!
and Elizabeth Streeter above … perhaps hit the nail on the head.
take care of YOU too darling bean. you're a little walking light house!
sending love and hugs to you and your three boys! two of which needed grooming!
can't wait to see the results. I bet they feel brand new!
I am glad your little one is on the mend! It is rough when they are not well and I am glad that you have a loving support system for him - mom guilt is the worst!
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see those pups all "cleaned up" and camera ready!
I wish I could give you a hug. You are a fantastic mother and just because you are parenting differently with him doesn't make it less than the way you parented the first two. I know if you could be with him you would be with him. I think it's difficult for women because we believe in doing as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I like your phrase "parenting differently" because there's often more than one right way to achieve something. No two mum's are exactly alike and the same goes for children so it makes sense that one would "parent differently". No better, no worse, just differenty and the love remains the same (or grows even more)
DeleteOh my, that is one sad face! When Seth was little, he described that state this way: "Mommy, I feel droopy." I miss that little boy!
ReplyDeleteI hope you can stop feeling guilty! LB is thriving with you as a mother. There are so many people that care about him. He is not suffering one bit.
He is a miracle child, and I can imagine how emotional the IEP meetings must be. His progress is phenomenal, so there must be happy moments, too. I recently had a terribly sad IEP meeting. The kid didn't come, but his mom did. She wants to throw him out of the house because he is so unpleasant. I am quite sure you and LB will never have an IEP like that.
Oh my goodness he does look miserable in that first photo. That would be enough to give anyone Mom guilt. I'm glad he's feeling a bit better now.
ReplyDeleteHappy Sunday Meredith, I’m so sorry your little guy has been sick. Sometimes I think it makes moms feel worse than it does the kids! I was so grateful I was able to stay home until Alex was in all day school. I had an in-home daycare for years just so I could stay home. Thank you for the sweet words you left on my blog. I’m so hopeful that when I finally get the shots they will work. Wishing you a happy and a healthy week my friend. Blessings always, Betsy
ReplyDeleteOh he looks so sick... the mother guilt.. it just never seems to end... I’m starting to feel guilty about feeling guilty. Men don’t ever seem to worry about this kind of stuff! But I know it’s hard and we don’t want to ever miss a minute or on opportunity to provide the best possible care for our kids . Your are a super mom and your family is super blessed to have you. We have a very hairy dog here as well... time for a spring refresh!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Meredith,
ReplyDeleteI hope Little Buddy gets well soon. I experience similar feelings when my Little Man is ill; I am trying my best.Your crochet work is wonderful;I couldn't manage to finish anything lately. Yor hibiscus blossom is lovely.
Have a nice week.
Gaia.
I hope Buddy is better. No fun for any child to get sick. I had to take Megan to urgent care last month. She's finally over the eye infection. I should have brought my knitting with me on my short trip. Nope and should have as we'll probably watch a movie tonight .Thanks for what you do others Mere! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteArh bless him, he's come through so many obstacles. I do hope he feels well soon. Your gorgeous dogs faces, I'm glad they and Buddy have a unique bond. All the best to you for a lovely weekend. Cathy x
ReplyDeleteWell, if you didn't feel guilty, you would be a bad mother. We all know that isn't true. Hopefully, Buddy has recovered now. I'm sure he understands that you have to work.
ReplyDelete