Monday, September 4, 2023

And suddenly it's September..............


Hello everyone!  I hope you are all still out there and are having a wonderful end of summer.  I am still reading your blogs and getting great joy from all of your adventures. Time is limited here so posting continues to be an issue, as well as my energy to get it done.  It is so far down the list of things that need to happen I fear there will not be a regular return anytime soon.

However, here are some updates:  Little Buddy, who is not so little as far as age or attitude started sixth grade.  His school has finally moved to their new facility much closer to my house which is wonderful. He has to attend early drop off three to four days a week so I can get to work, but he is managing the new length of his day without many issues so far.

Of course just as he was getting oriented to the school schedule we had a beast of a hurricane pass by north of us.  He missed two days of school last week, and there is Labor Day today.  We were so fortunate with the storm, I was prepared as far as food, water and batteries and thankfully we did not lose power.  My middle son, his partner and Luna came to stay, not to protect their Mom but because he is a bear to be around when there is no electricity and they lose it quickly where they live.  Little Buddy and I had a sleepover so they could use his bed, it was cozy with all the rain and wind outside and his little body tucked in close to mine, safe and sound.  My oldest son chose to work from my house all week but went back and forth, even early Wednesday morning when the storm was just skimming us while still in the Gulf of Mexico.  He took the bridge from Tampa over to my house, the route west was open but the route going east towards Tampa was closed with high waves and debris all over that portion of the bridge. We are all safe, thank you for all of you who checked up on us.  The poor people several hours north of us had so much storm surge damage it is hard to even comprehend the devastation.

My divorce was final at the end of July.  It has been a rough 2 years, well actually I can add a few more onto that.  I was hoping things would settle down now that we have a judge ordered schedule to follow, but no I was wrong.  I was told by many friends the finality of the divorce really changes nothing when dealing with someone like this, and they were right.  So on we go, taking each day and new issue as it comes.  Counseling helps me understand the complexities of the situation and helps me realize I am not alone in the issues I have had for over 30 years and continue to have.  There is so much help online as well, it really is such a blessing for people going through anything, knowing there are others that have gone through whatever adversity you are going through, they have survived and thrived!  That is my goal and I am making progress everyday.

There has been minor attempts at crocheting a blanket made with the good old Japanese Flower pattern given to me by my dear friend Teresa Kasner, who left us all way too soon.  I think of her often and miss her and her wonderful view on the world  To be honest even though I try to knit or crochet it  makes me feel ill.  This has happened one other time in my life, when I was fighting cancer, I could not play with yarn at all then.  So maybe the highest stress times of my life, when I need it the most, I simply can't muster up the energy or desire to knit or crochet.  I hope my mojo returns soon.

Little Buddy is now 12, he has all the signs of the dreaded puberty, including the ridiculous attitude that comes with it.  He has pimples on that beautiful freckle face of his so we often do a green tea mask to calm it all down.  He loves looking like a zombie. His behavior towards me has made a significant turn for the worse.  It is hard to be the parent who has rules.  However, we have help with his behavior therapists, a counselor and his neurologist for medication.  We take his behavioral issues minute by minute because things can change in a flash. He is a work in progress as we all are.

Hank and Bear just got groomed yesterday.  The put silly ties on them, those poor boys look like they had a very rough day at the office.

With so much going on in the world and personally with so many, I make a conscious effort to give thanks for all the wonderful things in my life everyday, and there are many.  I can't even tell you what a relief it is to come home to my own home and find peace, no walking on eggshells, no wondering what or who will meet me when I walk in the door.  Peace is a beautiful thing. Hoping you are all finding some moments of peace in your lives my friends. 

Tuesday, May 16, 2023

Hello after many, many months............



Just popping into say we are still alive here in very hot Florida.  It has been a rough few months with the never ending divorce, custody issues, financial disagreements, well they say divorce is not for the faint of heart and it isn't.  I'm truly exhausted with all the neverending mess, so I visit each of you but can't get the energy to write.  You sort of all keep me sane, knowing what you are all up to in your very busy lives.  And I thank each and everyone of you who have checked in, thank you for caring enough to see how we are doing.

There is some good news, Mr 26, as of last Monday, graduated law school this past weekend.  He has not always had the easiest of times, actually he spent a year and a half at home during high school.  He has made such an amazing recovery and is now a law school graduate, something I never ever dreamed for him when he was in 9th and 10th grade.  He has overcome so much and with the constant love of his life by his side I think he can do anything.  As his partner and I sat next to each other crying I thanked her from the bottom of my heart because he would not be where he is today without her.  He has the Bar Exam in July and starts his job as an Assistant District Attorney for the county we live in in August.  I am so proud I could burst.

Little Buddy is not so little anymore.  He has major signs of puberty happening (check out the fluff above his mouth) and that includes his attitude with lots of arguments telling me I am not the boss, I can't speak to him that way, and of course the just blatant not listening when requested to get off some sort of screen device.  He is finally used to his new teacher and new school, just in time for school to be over.  They are moving to an new facility next year, much closer to my home so there will be another huge adjustment in his life we have to deal with on top of the custody adjustments that will be taking place sometime in the future.  I am preparing myself for an even bumpier ride because there are not many rules in one home, and many rules in mine, which makes my job a lot harder.

So thank you for visiting, I still plan on blogging when I can get myself together. Thank you for caring and have a wonderful week.

Saturday, December 31, 2022

New Year's Eve, goodbye to 2022

I am pretty ready for this year to be over as you very well know.  It has by far been the toughest year of my life, and that includes the year I fought cancer with a 7 year old and 3 year old to look after, the year my son fought depression and anxiety that was so bad I feared for his life and took him to work with me, and the years of taking care of my parents and watching my mother decline a little at a time.  Among all the pain, anger, fear, anxiety and sadness this year there has been light.  An awakening if you can so imagine, time to gather myself and find some peace in my own beautiful home.  Time to realize just how much I was made to feel small, non existent and certainly not an equal partner.  I am finding myself, very slowly, and frankly that young girl with so much hope and love in her is long gone, but another version of her is out there and I am finding her one step at a time. 

Christmas has been packed away and everything is clean and fresh for the New Year.  My wonderful friend Lynda gave me a huge bin of vintage Christmas ornaments for my tree.  Many of them were hers gathered over the years or belonging to her MIL, or from a friend that got tired of her vintage tree and wanted something more modern.  Lynda has kept these for years, not knowing why she was hanging onto them and now we know, it was for me.  I only used a few of these precious ornaments and a few from my boys and that was it.  A newish tree for me this year that added some fun and a new tradition. I also treated myself to a new Christmas tree skirt because who could possible resist this one with Santa on it?

The bush you see losing all its leaves is one of several off my back porch.  It was cold here over Christmas, not cold by everyone else's standards but cold for here.  Apparently a bit too cold for these bushes.  I think this bush sort of sums up my year, it looks ragged and like it is losing its life force, but it really isn't, it will bloom again this spring when it is warmer out.  A little care and it will be on the way to a full recovery, hopefully just like me.

I am making a list of everything that has been bad or stressed me out this year and a list of all the things that I am grateful for.  Tonight I will be burning the first list and watching all that negative energy burn up and go away. Then after reading my gratitude list I will do the same, letting all of my love, hope and gratitude return to the Universe with prayers of being thankful for all that I have in my life.  This might become my new New Year's Eve tradition.  I am thankful for so much and my gratitude list is much longer than my other list, see I am moving forward as positively as I can.  While I have had to let go of so many people in my life, those who have not been there for me for many different reasons, I rejoice in those that have.  And that includes my family, look at how happy Little Buddy was on Christmas.  He asked Santa for the driving system his big brother has and then after we left he got very upset thinking he should have asked for the gear shift instead.  Luckily Santa brought the steering wheel and pedals, Mom bought the mounting station and big brothers and their partners chipped in for the gear shift.  He could not be more thrilled. Anything he can do independently just like other kids his age is a big bonus, plus he has to use his right hand and foot with this system, he is more involved on this side so this is therapeutic as well.  I am his therapist afterall, it all has to help him move towards more independence or functional ability, or social advancement.

Also big on my gratitude list is the friends who have been there for me every step of the way, through anger, frustration and laughing disbelief at how ridiculous some things have been.  Some friends have drifted away, as hard as that is for me to understand as I have helped them through very similar situations, it just is.  Frankly all of it, just is.  You are all on my gratitude list just so you know.  Cheering me on, loving Little Buddy from afar and cheering him on as well, well it means the world to me.  

Last year I picked the phrase, moving forward with grace, to represent my year.  While sometimes there has been no grace to be found I think I am starting to move in that direction. I will need it as we move towards depositions and mediation starting in January. I will continue to try to move forward with grace instead of anger and fear as much as possible. 

I am so thankful for all of you.  I wish you a safe and wonderful New Year's Eve, as we ring in 2023, know that I am sending you love and gratitude for being here in this space with me.

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Merry Christmas


Suddenly it is Christmas and I seemed to have missed two whole months here on this blog.  This picture is horrible, a picture of a picture but you get the idea. One little boy I know is very excited about a visit from Santa.  There is something wonderful about believing in all things magic at this time of year.  I feel he will be very pleased, even if our Christmas is very different from years past.

Things have been exceptionally difficult these past few months.  Navigating a divorce, and a not very friendly one at that, is hard while working and taking care of my special boy.  His school continues to not be helpful as far as challenging him intellectually, and now just as I suspected, he is falling behind.  So this Christmas break we will be working on writing and math, reading comprehension and test taking.  All to even keep him remotely close to what his neurotypical peers are learning. I certainly wish I had not followed the advice of so many and put him in this school for children who learn differently.  It really was a combination of a new principal/administration and a new teacher that does not have the ability to understand Little Buddy that has created this mess.  We need to finish the year and move forward, whatever that might look like in the future.

Still with all that is going on I am blessed to have wonderful support. And I want to thank you all for sticking with me here in this space. Your emails and kind thoughts have warmed my heart more than you will ever know.  Checking on us here when I am not posting just means the world to me.  It is so lovely not to be forgotten.  

I wish you all the very best Holiday.  Stay warm and safe, love those you can up close and send love to those far away.  I am sending you all a very big hug filled with love and gratitude for being so wonderful.

Monday, October 31, 2022

Happy Halloween


Happy Halloween from Harry Potter and me!  A more perfect Harry Potter I have never seen. Little Buddy is on book two of the series and is loving them so it was only appropriate that he was Harry Potter this year for Halloween.  His new school, while still having many issues and teaching him far below his ability level, at least celebrates Halloween.  The school has a parade and a party, a party I will get to attend and help with this year. Then tonight biggest brother, who turns 29 today, will take this one out trick or treating.  What a day!

I am sorry I have been out of contact.  I had some pretty major pelvic floor surgery on October 21.  It was far more brutal than I had imagined with many mistakes and missteps along the way. My surgeon was wonderful, kind and compassionate, but everything that happened afterward was a big problem including an overnight stay that was never supposed to happen, excessive bleeding, three catheters, no food for over 38 hours, and last but not least a UTI that occurred last Monday that left me crying on my bed.  When I notified the surgeon's  office they never called in an antibiotic until 22 hours later, thank God my general practitioner called one in right away. When the surgeons office finally called the medication in it was for one I am seriously allergic to that would cause respiratory distress.  It has taken me much longer to recover due to all of this but I am on my way.  Saturday I finally felt like a human being again, but did a bit too much so yesterday I was down again.  Today I am feeling better so we will see what tomorrow brings.  I have not worked yet as you can imagine, no lifting anything until I see my doctor on Thursday.  I plan to have a nice long chat with her about all that has happened, especially as most of it has been an issue with her office not with her.  Still through all of this, and I it has been very difficult, I have had my son's and their partners here taking care of me, my dear friend and babysitter stayed the night with my dogs Friday night, and was here Saturday morning and evening, and Monday evening to take care of me.  I had a wonderful friend take me to the surgery and walked the halls with me hoping I could get things moving so I could go home.  I have had so many calls from my sister and friends checking in on me sometimes two or three times a day, letting me cry, feel sorry for myself, and to see if I needed anything. It has been rough, especially with legal issues to deal with before the surgery that left me sleepless and depleted even before I headed into the procedure.  Of course those have followed after the surgery as well which has not helped my recovery.  Even with all this I am grateful for my healing, for my family and friends, and for all the blessings in my life.

Take care my friends and Happy Halloween.

Sunday, October 9, 2022

Checking in..................


Thank you to all of you who keep checking in on us, especially as Hurricane Ian headed our way.  We were lucky that he did not quite make it this far, but so sad for those who were immeasurably impacted by the storm.  He was supposed to hit us dead on, but would have hit a cold front before reaching us which would have likely made him less intense, instead he took a turn east about 2 1/2 hours south of us and boy did they feel the horrible impact.  We had this tree down and lots and lots of branches but we were fine, and although loads of people surrounding us lost power for several days we did not miss a beat.  My oldest son and his girlfriend came to stay with us and it was wonderful because just knowing they were here if things got bad made me feel much more safe and secure.

Little Buddy continues to have difficulty with the school.  They frequently call and disrupt my work day with minor offenses, things I deal with about every hour of my day.  The teacher continues to teach him far below his ability level so I still have to teach him at home to keep him even close to a typical fifth grader. If they would meet him at his intellectual level half of the problems would be gone, I keep reminding them that on a weekly basis.  I have a parent teacher conference on Monday, wish me luck.

Little Buddy got to go to his first fishing tournament on Saturday.  It was for children with special needs.  Mr. Jason, a lovely man, helped him catch two fish!  We got second place in the length category.  After Mr. Jason left it was all Mom and Little Buddy.  We did not catch a thing but we had fun on a beautiful sunny morning in October.  I must love that boy because I had fish goop all over trying to bait the hook.  We released every thing for those who are concerned.

I am not feeling well so I will leave you all.  I hope you are all happy and healthy and enjoying the beautiful weather wherever you are.

And as per my last post, to the person who left the ridiculous comment, respect is earned it is not a given.  30 years of lies in a marriage no longer warrants respect of any kind.  There can be attempts to be civil, for the sake of family, but respect, no I don't think so. And I am sorry you are so small that you have to hurt someone you don't even know.  I am thinking of you and sending you love that you can do better. 

Sunday, September 11, 2022

I'm out for now...........

 After opening up about the trouble Little Buddy is having in school I received a very snarky comment.  My post is down and I won't be posting for a while.  It is not worth the stress when I am already having a hard time.  Best wishes to you all.