Saturday, December 31, 2022

New Year's Eve, goodbye to 2022

I am pretty ready for this year to be over as you very well know.  It has by far been the toughest year of my life, and that includes the year I fought cancer with a 7 year old and 3 year old to look after, the year my son fought depression and anxiety that was so bad I feared for his life and took him to work with me, and the years of taking care of my parents and watching my mother decline a little at a time.  Among all the pain, anger, fear, anxiety and sadness this year there has been light.  An awakening if you can so imagine, time to gather myself and find some peace in my own beautiful home.  Time to realize just how much I was made to feel small, non existent and certainly not an equal partner.  I am finding myself, very slowly, and frankly that young girl with so much hope and love in her is long gone, but another version of her is out there and I am finding her one step at a time. 

Christmas has been packed away and everything is clean and fresh for the New Year.  My wonderful friend Lynda gave me a huge bin of vintage Christmas ornaments for my tree.  Many of them were hers gathered over the years or belonging to her MIL, or from a friend that got tired of her vintage tree and wanted something more modern.  Lynda has kept these for years, not knowing why she was hanging onto them and now we know, it was for me.  I only used a few of these precious ornaments and a few from my boys and that was it.  A newish tree for me this year that added some fun and a new tradition. I also treated myself to a new Christmas tree skirt because who could possible resist this one with Santa on it?

The bush you see losing all its leaves is one of several off my back porch.  It was cold here over Christmas, not cold by everyone else's standards but cold for here.  Apparently a bit too cold for these bushes.  I think this bush sort of sums up my year, it looks ragged and like it is losing its life force, but it really isn't, it will bloom again this spring when it is warmer out.  A little care and it will be on the way to a full recovery, hopefully just like me.

I am making a list of everything that has been bad or stressed me out this year and a list of all the things that I am grateful for.  Tonight I will be burning the first list and watching all that negative energy burn up and go away. Then after reading my gratitude list I will do the same, letting all of my love, hope and gratitude return to the Universe with prayers of being thankful for all that I have in my life.  This might become my new New Year's Eve tradition.  I am thankful for so much and my gratitude list is much longer than my other list, see I am moving forward as positively as I can.  While I have had to let go of so many people in my life, those who have not been there for me for many different reasons, I rejoice in those that have.  And that includes my family, look at how happy Little Buddy was on Christmas.  He asked Santa for the driving system his big brother has and then after we left he got very upset thinking he should have asked for the gear shift instead.  Luckily Santa brought the steering wheel and pedals, Mom bought the mounting station and big brothers and their partners chipped in for the gear shift.  He could not be more thrilled. Anything he can do independently just like other kids his age is a big bonus, plus he has to use his right hand and foot with this system, he is more involved on this side so this is therapeutic as well.  I am his therapist afterall, it all has to help him move towards more independence or functional ability, or social advancement.

Also big on my gratitude list is the friends who have been there for me every step of the way, through anger, frustration and laughing disbelief at how ridiculous some things have been.  Some friends have drifted away, as hard as that is for me to understand as I have helped them through very similar situations, it just is.  Frankly all of it, just is.  You are all on my gratitude list just so you know.  Cheering me on, loving Little Buddy from afar and cheering him on as well, well it means the world to me.  

Last year I picked the phrase, moving forward with grace, to represent my year.  While sometimes there has been no grace to be found I think I am starting to move in that direction. I will need it as we move towards depositions and mediation starting in January. I will continue to try to move forward with grace instead of anger and fear as much as possible. 

I am so thankful for all of you.  I wish you a safe and wonderful New Year's Eve, as we ring in 2023, know that I am sending you love and gratitude for being here in this space with me.

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Merry Christmas


Suddenly it is Christmas and I seemed to have missed two whole months here on this blog.  This picture is horrible, a picture of a picture but you get the idea. One little boy I know is very excited about a visit from Santa.  There is something wonderful about believing in all things magic at this time of year.  I feel he will be very pleased, even if our Christmas is very different from years past.

Things have been exceptionally difficult these past few months.  Navigating a divorce, and a not very friendly one at that, is hard while working and taking care of my special boy.  His school continues to not be helpful as far as challenging him intellectually, and now just as I suspected, he is falling behind.  So this Christmas break we will be working on writing and math, reading comprehension and test taking.  All to even keep him remotely close to what his neurotypical peers are learning. I certainly wish I had not followed the advice of so many and put him in this school for children who learn differently.  It really was a combination of a new principal/administration and a new teacher that does not have the ability to understand Little Buddy that has created this mess.  We need to finish the year and move forward, whatever that might look like in the future.

Still with all that is going on I am blessed to have wonderful support. And I want to thank you all for sticking with me here in this space. Your emails and kind thoughts have warmed my heart more than you will ever know.  Checking on us here when I am not posting just means the world to me.  It is so lovely not to be forgotten.  

I wish you all the very best Holiday.  Stay warm and safe, love those you can up close and send love to those far away.  I am sending you all a very big hug filled with love and gratitude for being so wonderful.

Monday, October 31, 2022

Happy Halloween


Happy Halloween from Harry Potter and me!  A more perfect Harry Potter I have never seen. Little Buddy is on book two of the series and is loving them so it was only appropriate that he was Harry Potter this year for Halloween.  His new school, while still having many issues and teaching him far below his ability level, at least celebrates Halloween.  The school has a parade and a party, a party I will get to attend and help with this year. Then tonight biggest brother, who turns 29 today, will take this one out trick or treating.  What a day!

I am sorry I have been out of contact.  I had some pretty major pelvic floor surgery on October 21.  It was far more brutal than I had imagined with many mistakes and missteps along the way. My surgeon was wonderful, kind and compassionate, but everything that happened afterward was a big problem including an overnight stay that was never supposed to happen, excessive bleeding, three catheters, no food for over 38 hours, and last but not least a UTI that occurred last Monday that left me crying on my bed.  When I notified the surgeon's  office they never called in an antibiotic until 22 hours later, thank God my general practitioner called one in right away. When the surgeons office finally called the medication in it was for one I am seriously allergic to that would cause respiratory distress.  It has taken me much longer to recover due to all of this but I am on my way.  Saturday I finally felt like a human being again, but did a bit too much so yesterday I was down again.  Today I am feeling better so we will see what tomorrow brings.  I have not worked yet as you can imagine, no lifting anything until I see my doctor on Thursday.  I plan to have a nice long chat with her about all that has happened, especially as most of it has been an issue with her office not with her.  Still through all of this, and I it has been very difficult, I have had my son's and their partners here taking care of me, my dear friend and babysitter stayed the night with my dogs Friday night, and was here Saturday morning and evening, and Monday evening to take care of me.  I had a wonderful friend take me to the surgery and walked the halls with me hoping I could get things moving so I could go home.  I have had so many calls from my sister and friends checking in on me sometimes two or three times a day, letting me cry, feel sorry for myself, and to see if I needed anything. It has been rough, especially with legal issues to deal with before the surgery that left me sleepless and depleted even before I headed into the procedure.  Of course those have followed after the surgery as well which has not helped my recovery.  Even with all this I am grateful for my healing, for my family and friends, and for all the blessings in my life.

Take care my friends and Happy Halloween.

Sunday, October 9, 2022

Checking in..................


Thank you to all of you who keep checking in on us, especially as Hurricane Ian headed our way.  We were lucky that he did not quite make it this far, but so sad for those who were immeasurably impacted by the storm.  He was supposed to hit us dead on, but would have hit a cold front before reaching us which would have likely made him less intense, instead he took a turn east about 2 1/2 hours south of us and boy did they feel the horrible impact.  We had this tree down and lots and lots of branches but we were fine, and although loads of people surrounding us lost power for several days we did not miss a beat.  My oldest son and his girlfriend came to stay with us and it was wonderful because just knowing they were here if things got bad made me feel much more safe and secure.

Little Buddy continues to have difficulty with the school.  They frequently call and disrupt my work day with minor offenses, things I deal with about every hour of my day.  The teacher continues to teach him far below his ability level so I still have to teach him at home to keep him even close to a typical fifth grader. If they would meet him at his intellectual level half of the problems would be gone, I keep reminding them that on a weekly basis.  I have a parent teacher conference on Monday, wish me luck.

Little Buddy got to go to his first fishing tournament on Saturday.  It was for children with special needs.  Mr. Jason, a lovely man, helped him catch two fish!  We got second place in the length category.  After Mr. Jason left it was all Mom and Little Buddy.  We did not catch a thing but we had fun on a beautiful sunny morning in October.  I must love that boy because I had fish goop all over trying to bait the hook.  We released every thing for those who are concerned.

I am not feeling well so I will leave you all.  I hope you are all happy and healthy and enjoying the beautiful weather wherever you are.

And as per my last post, to the person who left the ridiculous comment, respect is earned it is not a given.  30 years of lies in a marriage no longer warrants respect of any kind.  There can be attempts to be civil, for the sake of family, but respect, no I don't think so. And I am sorry you are so small that you have to hurt someone you don't even know.  I am thinking of you and sending you love that you can do better. 

Sunday, September 11, 2022

I'm out for now...........

 After opening up about the trouble Little Buddy is having in school I received a very snarky comment.  My post is down and I won't be posting for a while.  It is not worth the stress when I am already having a hard time.  Best wishes to you all.

Sunday, August 14, 2022

Returning to our new normal................


Hello everyone!  How are you?

We are still recovering here from Covid.  Yes I have been back to work and Little Buddy has started school but the fatigue is very real and so is the brain fog.  This week I had difficulty writing up and evaluation on a beautiful baby girl who has a crooked skull and shortened neck musculature due to her positioning.  It was a breeze to talk to this new mom about this beauty and all her issues but boy I could not write about it.  It is a bit scary.  Little Buddy developed a cough this week when he did not have one when he was positive, but he did have a stuffed up nose and I think it is finally all letting loose in that little head of his. Still we move forward because what other choice do you have?

This will be a short post, see fatigue above.  Little Buddy did start fifth grade in his new school for children who learn uniquely.  Even starting this past Wednesday we still do not know if he will receive a scholarship and how much it will be.  It is a Department of Education issue with the state of Florida, no surprise there that our government is not working smoothly.  Still I have been a wreck calling people, online chatting and frankly there is nothing I can do.  So we have to withdrawal kids out of public school, where they can't be taught with these issues and then not know the amount we can get to help them in private school, and of course knowing early enough you could put them back in public school if the amount was not sufficient, but now I can't even put him back in the school I took him out of.  It is a big sh*t show if you ask me and I told the scholarship people that, nicely of course because it was not the fault of the poor woman I was talking to.  I asked them to record my call and give it to every supervisor on up to the top not that it will help.

We did make one more early morning beach trip last weekend even though I was told we go to the beach too much, and we have gone way to many times this summer, I think the grand total is three or four at the most.  For someone who was so crabby about going he sure had fun.

This has been a busy weekend just getting things done around here.  With Little Buddy in a school about 35 minutes away it eats into my time to accomplish things around here.  Plus I am picking up a few kids on Friday because if I am that far south I might as well make the best of it.  

Hope you are all well.  Stay safe. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Covid, the gift that keeps giving............


Well my friends my sweet, darling boy has passed on his Covid germs.  Believe me when I tell you he was coughing and snotty all of two hours Sunday morning when he tested positive.  Other than not having a great appetite, which could be my cooking, and sleeping a little longer than usually he is just about perfect. Me, well not so much. 

I started to feel a bit peaked on Monday evening, nothing bad just a thought of not feeling well, I tested myself and I was negative.  Tuesday morning was beautiful out and I felt okay, not great but okay and I tested negative again so I took a boy with wiggles to the beach very early in the morning, far, far away from others.  Those ladies in the photo look near us but they were at least 15 feet away, up a small sand hill and upwind of us.  All our germs were blowing out to sea. We spent most of the time in the water and then headed home before anyone could come close to us.  It was a success except it takes a lot of work to get Little Buddy into and out of the water, but by the time I was getting him out he was leaning on me and I had to help hold him up I was feeling weak.  After a return trip home, we now live about 15 minutes away, we had a bath and shower, lunch and some reading and then I was ready for a nap.  I never nap, like never, but it felt so good to just lie down and rest. Meanwhile one little boy was happy to get on his computer early and let me be.

I am officially positive now and the little one who brought it into the house is feeling just fine, well that is except when he gets tired of reading Harry Potter and fake coughs. 

I have loved being home.  I have said many times I work so much I would just love to be home more, wish granted I'd say.  I love spending time with my special boy.  We are writing a book this summer and are already on chapter 24. The book is all about made up rescues and adventures, he has difficulty writing anything that is not factual so I have been really impressed how he has blossomed in this area this summer.  Plus typing is a skill he will need to be proficient at so he is typing every chapter.  We had a drawing contest the last two days and I have shared with you his picture of me just in case you have forgotten what I look like.  We take turns picking something to draw, he has a hard time making decisions so this is good for him. I have been graded, 0% F on every drawing I make while a little boy I know gives himself 100% A.

We have been reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  He is new to this series, a gift for his birthday from me.  He started them with his speech and language pathologist so she gets a video summary of each chapter after we read it so she is up to date on what is happening.  

The beach has been great therapy-wise, swimming, running and walking upright in the water, and just some good sunshine and vitamin D.  We won't be back for a while, I am just to darn tired. Actually I am so tired knitting, reading and even watching a show seems hard but I am fortunate I know.  Yes, I have a stuffy, runny nose and a bit of a cough, a frog in my voice and a headache but I am thankful it isn't worse.  Thankful I am in this wonderful house where I feel healing is coming faster.  I am thankful for vaccines that we have both had that have greatly reduced our illness.  I am grateful for special time together unfolding at a really lovely pace.  I have completed all my continuing education for my professional license, that was before I felt really poorly of course.  I have ordered school supplies and school uniforms. I got myself  out of jury duty due to my special needs son, I made him out to sound much worse than he is, don't tell on me, and I have worked out special behavioral services for Little Buddy if he indeed goes to the special learning school.  See lots of things accomplished so now I can just rest.

Covid is everywhere, I am lucky we are going through it at the same time and before school starts. So much to be thankful for even when I feel like a helium balloon slowly losing air and sinking from the ceiling to hover just above the floor.

The flowers are from my giant crepe myrtle tree, milkweed in my garden and lovely purple flowers on three big bushes out back. 

Stay safe my friends. Mask up and stay safe.