Twilight is the most magical time of the day for me. It is when the daytime is slowly and beautifully drifting into nighttime. The shadows grow long, the light slowly dims, and more often than not there is a stillness, a beautiful brief stillness, before darkness envelopes the land. There is a time in our lives, that is if we are lucky enough, we have this, too. A time somewhere between living a full life and slowly creeping towards departure. If you have read this blog for any length of time you know we have lost many of those we love in recent years. First two very good friends died of cancer just weeks apart, vibrant and beautiful women in their early forties. Then last year was the year of deep loss for us. Starting with my loving BIL, two weeks later by my MIL, one month later by my Mother and finally 5 weeks after that the loss of my dear, dear friend Bruce. This year I have been trying to help my friend Lynda deal with the loss of her husband Bruce while fighting her own battle with breast cancer. It has been a few years filled with sorrow but also great, great, Joy.
Now another very dear, dear friend of ours is struggling with cancer. He is my husbands best friend and has been like a big brother to me. He took a major turn for the worse a few weeks ago and has finally let us come to him and try to help. I go there almost everyday and put my hands on him and try to offer him some comfort, and help reduce his pain. He has been fighting like a champion, but champions get tired and even champions sometimes stop the fight and just become still, being with their family and with themselves. This is that time, he is in between here and what lies beyond, and while it is so hard to see, his frailty, his sudden vulnerability, his family grieving everyday, it is still a thing of beauty to watch. His love for all of us has suddenly expanded at a rapid rate, he is afraid of not saying what needs to be said to his children, grandchildren, wife, and friends. He is turning into himself, yet letting all of us take part in his care. This time with him is a precious gift, a gift he is letting us have so that we can come to terms with his potential loss. He is preparing us, especially his family. I think this is his last and probably most crucial act as a husband, father and friend, he is teaching us how to love, what is really important, and also how to let go.
I know you are all probably thinking, Lord here she goes with another heavy post. Life is sometimes heavy, it is just that simple. Life hurts, life experiences are not always fun, and happy, sometimes they are really painful. Watching this life unfold before me has made me think so much of my brother who passed away 24 years ago. My friend and my brother are the same height, they both have great wit and a great capacity to love, especially their children. Seeing my friend so thin and frail makes me remember how my brother looked. I remember the last words he said to me. I called him the night before he passed away and he said, "I am so tired, I am just so tired" I told him I knew that and it was okay, it was okay. I knew he was ready to go, to stop fighting his long hard fight. My friend is near that, yes I still hope for a miracle, but I mostly hope for peace, peace and no suffering.
It is funny how I started this blog just to keep track of my sister's blog, so I could comment to her and then I moved into posting about knitting. It has becomes so much more for me, It is my special place where I can rejoice in great things like Little Buddy turning four (thank you for the well wishes by the way), and it is also a place I can come and write about my sadness, and my life. Thank you for that, thank you for listening and allowing me this piece of therapy that has become so important to me. Writing has become very helpful to me, helping me to sort out my thoughts, and put things in perspective. If you know me well you know writing does not come easy to me, I work with my hands, not with words. But writing has become very therapeutic and so I will continue and I thank you again for listening.
There is beauty in life, there is beauty in family and in friendship and there is also beauty in death. There is certainly beauty in the time in between life and what comes next. I am blessed to have a part in that right now.