Friday, March 7, 2014

The reality of life hits hard


Sometimes life throws you a real curve ball, or a whole series of them and you just don't know what to do except muddle though it all.  If you want a blog post about  pastel colors, bright and beautiful projects, and peaceful thoughts you might want to look elsewhere.  I have always promised to be real as a blogger.  That means you get to share the good and the bad, and sometimes there is a heap of bad.  My BIL's sudden death really surprised us, like I said before he was an amazing man and was suffering a great deal from his 25 year battle with Parkinson's Disease.  We were not expecting it, even though he was slowly losing ground.  Again, I am so thankful that my husband was able to get to Wisconsin to say good-bye before they took him off the respirator.  

Tuesday night I received a phone call from my Dad telling me that my Mother was being taken to the hospital emergency unit because she was ill.  Now I knew she had a a few days where she was sleeping a lot but did not know that she was this ill.  I drove over to the ER, and waited a couple of hours before finding out she had pneumonia.  Not a big surprise, she is bedridden, can not move and probably is aspirating some of the food that she is being fed.  She has recently become even more withdrawn, her eyes rarely open and when they do there is only a brief glimmer of recognition in them.  After a very late night visit I went home feeling a bit overwhelmed.  You see she wants to go, she has wanted to leave this earth for many years.  I grieve for her being in the state she is in, and I grieve that for some reason she is still here against her wishes.

She was still in the ER the following morning when I checked, she was waiting for a bed to become available in the hospital.  Little did I know that my MIL would soon join her.  You have heard me talk about her in the past, I adore this woman.  She is 95 1/2, is fighting pulmonary fibrosis and has just lost her son.  She traveled to Wisconsin for the funeral with the help of my SIL's.  Upon returning she has been struggling to breathe, so much so that she went into the ER Wednesday morning.   What are the chances one would be in room 1, and one in room 23, in the same ER?  After both being admitted the visits were interesting, race to see one, than the other, then come home so my husband could go and do the same thing.  Back and forth, and back and forth, from room to room, for several days.

My Mom is holding her own, I can not judge when the best time for her to leave this earth is, but I sure do not want her to suffer anymore.  She has suffered enough, and if it is not this time she has pneumonia, there will be a next time.  I sound a bit callous and I do not mean to, I lost my Mother many years ago, she is here in body but I believe that her spirit is elsewhere, the essence of my Mom left long ago.

My MIL got discharged into Hospice care yesterday evening.  She is fading fast, but still wants to live so much.  She always has been so active and such an inspiration, she still is as she is fading away from us.  My husband and his siblings are going to lose their brother and mother all in a matter of a week or two. It seems so sad, but I know she is really tired, tired of trying to breathe and terribly upset about her son's death.  It has taken the fight right out of her.

Mr. 20 year old arrives home for spring break tomorrow evening.  He has had a tough year and now when he wants to come home to regroup and think about his options, he has to find out the Grandmother he absolutely adores will be leaving us soon.  He loves my Mother too, it is just that she was much more of an observer as a Grandmother, while my MIL was much more of a participator. My boys are used to my Mom not being well, she has been ill for over 3 years, but my MIL has been doing really well until just recently. My teenager has been here for all of this, he has seen both of them decline, Mr. 20 year old has not.

On another note of', "I just can't believe this!"  My dearest friend Lynda, who lives in North Carolina found out that her husbands stage IV lung cancer is progressing fast.  Lynda just had a mastectomy and now has to start chemotherapy treatments for breast cancer.  She has to take care of her husband, and fight for her life all at the same time.  I can not even imagine that.  She is so far away I can not help, only by phone, which is very frustrating.  She is so strong and the best friend ever, and frankly she is worried about me!  Can you imagine that with what she is going through?

This little one below is going to be so good for all of us.  My Little Buddy makes you smile and laugh at his antics all the time.  He is doing amazing and feels quite at home here in our house.  Not only is he going to help my husband and I get through all of this mess, he is going to help his brother's and his aunt's, too.  Little ones are blessed that way, and they bless us just by being around us.

Sorry for the doom and gloom.  So much has happened in the last week that is going to change the face of my family forever  The crazy thing is I am super calm, I get this way sometimes in crisis mode, and I am not sure if that is good or not.  I am just taking things hour by hour, taking a deep breath when I can, and letting the process of life and death work itself out.  And of course giving this little one lots of hugs, they help.

I am not writing this for you all to say, "Poor Meredith".  Life happens, the good and the bad, to all of us.  I am just letting you know what is taking place right now and why I will be only visiting sporadically.  There is a bigger plan, there always is.  I do not want the people I love to suffer, I want them to find peace.  



73 comments:

Emma Pearce said...

Meredith, it is not about lifes ups and downs, we all have times that are just simply awful but it is different when you are being hit from all angles. There are probably too many emotions, too many family members emotions to even begin to think about how you are feeling. You sound like you are on auto-pilot. Your Mum/daughter/Wife/friend mode are all kicking in at once and you are coping. It is adrenaline rushing you through each day. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you all. I hope that you take time to breathe. You are such a wonderful family and seem so very close, your love will see you through these turbulent upsetting times xxxxxxxxxxx

RedSetter said...

What a hellish collision of illness and loss. For things to really hurt you need to have really loved and you clearly love and care for those about to be lost and those, including yourself, who must bear those losses.

Do whatever you need to keep all of you afloat through this storm.
With all love and supportive wishes,
RedSetter

Betsy said...

Meredith, I read on Claudia's blog about your MIL and your mom both in the hospital at the same time. What are the chances of that? I hear the conflicts of your heart in your post and my own heart goes out to you. And then to have your friend and her husband added to the mix...well, there are just no words. Life is so full of challenges sometimes. I'm so happy you have your little guy to help you all in this time of family crisis. What a blessing he must be for you, especially now. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you all and I will also be praying for your friend and her husband.
Blessings always,
Betsy

Judy S. said...

Oh, Meredith, my heart goes out to you and your family. Know that there are lots of folks who are holding you in their thoughts and sending hugs as well. Take care.

Shirley said...

Meredith, My heart and prayers go out to you with all that you have to face. There is a little boy who is going to give you a lot of comfort during this trying time. They always say that god only gives us what he feels we can handle, but we sometimes wonder. Take care. Many hugs and prayers from Your Missouri Friend.

Elizabeth said...

Meredith, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your BIL and illness of your Mother and MIL. You are in my thoughts and prayers.Take care of yourself.

Bridget said...

Oh dear, everything at once. I do not think you sound callous at all - I understand 100%.

I am sorry that it's all going on at all, much less all at once. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, and hope that you will all be glad to have each other, especially now.

And for your friend, thoughts and prayers as well. I hope that both she and her husband find love and strength in each other and that things go as well as they possibly can.

Try to take care of yourself. I'm glad your Little Buddy and Max are there for you and for each other.

Pradeepa said...

It's terrible, Meredith. I am glad buddy is there for you to help you stay calm and help you to get through the crisis.

Pooch said...

Sending sympathy and prayers to you and your family. In His perfect timing, Little Buddy has come to you as other loved prepare to depart. I have walked your path and empathize with your sadness, your heavy heart.

kathyinozarks said...

thank you so much for sharing with us-when I am going through difficult times especially-my blog really helps me, and the support of my friends just is so special.
I don't know why but crisis like this happens in doses-sending hugs and prayers for strength, comfort and guidence

Teresa Kasner said...

Hello my dear friend... you are all in my thoughts and I'm sending healing energy your way. They say the measure of a person is how they deal with adversity. I am not surprised that you're calm, as you're a quality person. When my dad's girlfriend called me at 2 am and told me she thought my dad had passed away, I told her I'd take care of things and I did. I was calm too. This is what we all have to go through and it's part of the circle of life. Hang in there and I'm here if you need me. ((hugs)), Teresa :-)

Joyful said...

Oh Meredith, my thoughts and hugs are with you. Sometimes everything just seems to hit all at once and it can be difficult not to feel overwhelmed. I'm like you. Often I will feel very calm. Other times, not so calm. I certainly understand if you don't visit my blog any time soon. Make sure you take care of yourself. All your children need you and your husband too. Hugs. xx

honeycat said...

God bless you all and big hugs Meredith.
Melanie Xx

CJ said...

You and yours are in my thoughts today Meredith. You are right, Little Buddy will be such a comfort, he has come into your lives at just the right time. I am thinking of you and your mother, your mother-in-law, Lynda and her husband. And I'm sending you a big cyber hug. CJ xxx

Taciana Simmons said...

My dear Meredith it is so hard to know what to say as words cannot express how much I wish I could be therenearyou to give you a big hug and to let you know in person how much not only me but so many of your friends care about you. I know and I can sense by your kind words and gestures you are strong and you and your family are going to be ok. Take care of yourself and your family and know that we will be right here thinking about you and your family and hoping you will be ok and have peace in your hearts. With lots of love.

Amy at love made my home said...

I am sorry that I don't have something that would resolve all this for you, but I am thinking of you and your family and I pray that you manage to come through this and that your two mothers are as peacefully and cared for as possible. My love is with you. xx

gaia said...

My prayers are with you...Gaia.

Sentimentally Me said...

OH Meredith, you have so much on your plate. . .. THinking of you, and all of your family. . . . .

xo P

linda said...

Life throws so much at us Meredith and the hard times all seem to come at once, we are being tested and I think it all part of a big plan we all have our crosses to bear. God will give you the strength to work through this and support your family and friends. You have a little Angel in your midst he was sent to you to lift your spirits and keep you and your family sane. Wish I was closer to give you a proper hug and a shoulder when you need it but I'm sending you lots of love and possitive thoughts. Take care of yourself! xxxx

Plain Jane said...

The biggest of hugs and best wishes for you all x Jane

gigi knits said...

Take a deep deep breath..and remember god is there with you!

Stitchy Mc Floss said...

I will keep you and your family (and your friend and her husband) in my prayers. I am here if you need me sweet friend.

((hugs))

My Little Home and Garden said...

You are strong woman to be dealing with so much right now, Meredith. Your new son is a bright spot in the midst of everything.

Karen

mynestofyarnandbuttons said...

Meredith, you know my thoughts and prayers are with all of you. I pray that your family does not suffer too much and that God's plan is peaceful. I can see the direct relationship to LB coming into your lives and I think it is beautiful and quite amazing.
Take care Meredith and you will be in my thoughts, xoRobin

NYC said...

Your blog is so beautifully written; the downs and ups. We also have had the incredible mix enduring a long goodbye to a precious parent, and everything that comes with it, to a surprise ... Really, a SURPRISE ... perfect baby... All in the same calendar year. I don't pretend to know anything about "plans", but my jaw does drop at the thought of the incredible gift that this baby was, for all of us. My heart goes out to you.

Caffeine Girl said...

Whoever said lightening doesn't strike the same place twice hasn't spent much time outdoors. I am so sorry that your family is undergoing so many losses at one time. But I know that you have the strength in yourself and the love in your family to pull through.

Crafty in the Med said...

Dear Meredith
I'm sitting looking at the screen wanting to say something to you,wanting to offer some comfort,wanting to say I understand. I'm trying to lift this virtual barrier to get my thoughts to you, to say I care you are suffering at this moment. I can't do it I can't lift that barrier so I'll have to just settle for these words,in my opinion a poor substitute and in this situation not sufficiently eloquent! I'll just say may your wish come true and may there be no more pain or suffering.

Amanda xx

Claudia said...

We just try to keep going, don't we? It's all too much and all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and stay in the present. Not always easy. Love you sister.

xo
Claudia

kristieinbc said...

I'm sorry that so much badness has made its way into your life this past week Meredith. I wish there was something I could do or say to make things better. When I see that picture of Little Buddy I can't help but think the timing of his arrival in your home was meant to be.

Dee said...

Oh my gosh .....too much going on in just a short period of time.

Prayers for you and your family as they navigate through this rough time.

Yes --- Z is adorable. What a sweet guy!

Good luck to Mr. College as he decides what his next step should be. I'm really glad he knew quickly that he wasn't in the right place. It will make the transition to his next step SO much easier. Hugs to you my dear friend. You are always in my prayers.

Regena Fickes said...

Still praying and trusting.

Pammy Sue said...

Bless your heart! Life can be so hard and seem so unfair sometimes. I'm very sorry for what you and your family is going through. Big hugs.

Lynne said...

This is a lot for your family to deal with, and thank goodness you all have each other. Please take care of yourself during this stressful time.
Hugs all around
Lynne

Susanne said...

I hope that in your quest to find peace for your loved ones that you can find some peace too. So much for looking at the world through rose colored glasses like some bloggers do. Our life experiences make us who we are. God has not promised life on this earth without struggles and heartache. But He has promised to be faithful and He doesn't lie. You are facing so many life changing things all at once. My mil law was also like that during the last years of her life. I noticed when her husband died she lost her purpose in life and she slowly declined, many times she wanted to die as well. My mother who is going to be 84 this year also asks why she is still living. I have no answer except, "God isn't finished with you yet on this earth." The tough thing too is when a loved one is failing and so close to death, we are faced with our own mortality too. As we get older we face life and death differently than what a young person does, i.e. your Mr. 20 year old. They are just starting their journey and it is hard to face loss. But, then I do believe that the worst pain in life is the loss of a loved one. Nothing else compares. The separation is only temporary is what I tell myself. That is a calming thought when the storm seems to be raging all around. (((HUGS))) Susanne ♥

Acorn to Oak said...

I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs!

Linda Gilbert said...

Meredith .. I think each and everyone of us who read you blog are so saddened to read this post. So sad that you have to face such a crescendo of troubles. No one can carry your pain but please know my thoughts are with you all at this very sad time. Buddy was sent to help you know that whatever sadness crosses our path life goes on. It is the young who so often show us the way.

Chris K in Wisconsin said...

That special little guy is, indeed, a blessing for your family. I have been so sorry to read of all of this going on in yours and Claudia's life ~ and all of it at once. Be sure you take time for yourself to stay healthy. We tend to forget that piece. You and your entire family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tammy said...

Dear Meredith, I've always believed that just writing things down really helps us to sort out our thoughts and makes the process of acceptance and healing so much easier. My oldest son is the type that doesn't let circumstances or people or events affect his mood or behavior. He takes things as they are and just deals with it. He calls himself a realist. I think that is a good thing. When people get so stuck in the emotions and trying to hang on to what was, there's more of a chance for depression. I know what you mean about your mom being there in body only ... my dad stopped speaking to me years ago and it's the same way I feel about him. As far as I am concerned, he is already gone, doesn't matter that he is still walking this earth. The only thing that is sure in life is that life is ever changing. Your little buddy came along so that you would have a focus other than the heartache and loss. Everything happens for a reason. Sending you lots of hugs and love and blessings, Tammy

Annette T. said...

Meredith, nothing I can say can make things any easier for you and your family. It's so strange how things pile up sometimes, and yet your Little Buddy was placed in your life at this time to lift your spirits. He needs you and you need him. You are in my thoughts.

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry. I know there isn't much I can say to ease the pain and difficulty right now, but you're all in my thoughts and prayers.

Clare said...

Meredith, you have so much to be dealing with at the moment, my heart goes out to you and your family and you are in my thoughts. It's just a case of putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get through, I speak from experience as a few years back we had something very much like this with my Dad and my sister husbands dad suddenly both in hospital at the same time with undiagnosed end stage lung cancer. Let little Buddy be the light that cheers you family on. Huge hugs Clare xx

Linda Powell said...

A very real and heartfelt post Meredith, keep strong, your family has a strong bond and you will all help one another through this.

My hugs are sent to you xxx

Little Welsh House said...

Sending you big hugs across the Atlantic Meredith. Your family is going through so much turmoil at the moment, it must be all you can do to stay afloat. I don't think you need to feel bad about any of your emotions at this very challenging time, especially not wanting your darling mum to suffer after all these years. I will be holding you and your sweet family in my thoughts. Please take a little time for yourself if you possibly can. Xxxxx

Joy said...

So many trials all at the same time lovely Meredith, I am so sorry! I also feel that sweet Little Buddy has been placed in your midst at the perfect time to be the beautiful loving little distraction that he is from all this sadness and anxiety!
I understand completely how you feel about your Mom - I was the same when it came near the end for both my beautiful Mum and then Dad - they were suffering so much and really needed to go, and I just wanted them to be at peace, as you do for your dear Mom!
You are such a strong caring person Meredith and you will cope with the emotional upheaval etc., even though you may doubt it at times - but keep in mind that it is just one step at a time, moment by moment, and that your friends are supporting you and praying for the best outcome for each of your relatives/friends!
I'm sending you, and all concerned , much love and very best wishes for the best results in each of these cases!
Warmest hugs, Joy xoxo

Lulu said...

praying for you all.
hugs,

Ilsa Fay said...

Thinking of you at this painful time. Sending love and hugs.Ilsa Fay

Teresa said...

WOW! Thinking of you and your family. Prayers that God will keep you strong and give you what you need at this time in your life. Life can just be so hard at times. Hugs, Teresa

Chrissie said...

You and your family are in my thoughts, dear Meredith, isn't it so odd and yet comforting to know you have so many creative souls around the world thinking of you and sending positive vibes your way? I admire your calm during all this - I often call it "robot mode", because I am methodical and practical in the face of family crises...then I fall to pieces after it all. Little Buddy came into your life for a reason, he will give you hope and happiness to counter the closing of others' lives. Love and hugs to you, Chrissie x

Rose Red said...

I'm so sorry about your mum and your MIL. I hope you are all able to spend some good time with both in the next few days or weeks. Wishing you all peace.

moonstruckcreations said...

So very sorry to hear about your Mum and MIL. Little Buddy sure is going to be a blessing to you all.

Much love to you all, Helenxx

Annie @ knitsofacto said...

Sending hugs from afar. You are all in my heart and my prayers x

Babajeza said...

As you said these are life's ups and downs. Sometimes just too much happens at the same time. So take it and breath slowly, feel the ground under your feet and watch the sky above. You're in my thoughts. Regula

cockney blonde said...

Thinking of you and your family, x

Vikki Hooks said...

I don't have any words of encouragements that haven't already been said. I just hope you can feel my hugs from here, and don't forget to dance.

Jo said...

Peace and Love to you Meredith xxx

Lena said...

My heartfelt condolences to you and your family Meredith. I truly do know how overwhelming such a time can be.

Try to take good care of yourself. That's important when so many people are depending on you.

Lots of love,
xoxo

Marjo said...

A big hug for you ....

Love
Marjo

kathy b said...

Mere God Bless them on their journeys. Hugs to you as you say tearful goodbyes. Im glad little buddy reminds you of LIFE

Lori Lynn said...

I just appreciate your transparency so much. We all need to be honest with each other but instead when someone asks, "How are you?" We say, "fine!" You, your family, and your friend in NC are in my prayers. I have so enjoyed reading about your journey with your little buddy. I know that God gave him to you and your family at the time when you needed to be reminded that there is still joy. What a blessing! I'm praying for you!

Lori Lynn said...

I just appreciate your transparency so much. We all need to be honest with each other but instead when someone asks, "How are you?" We say, "fine!" You, your family, and your friend in NC are in my prayers. I have so enjoyed reading about your journey with your little buddy. I know that God gave him to you and your family at the time when you needed to be reminded that there is still joy. What a blessing! I'm praying for you!

CJ STITCHING AND BLOOMS said...

Hello Meredith. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please know I am thinking of you all. I know Buddie will bring you JOY during these trying times. Hugs Judy

Petunia Pill said...

Calm in the face of a storm...yup, I resemble that remark too. Calm...numb...whatever. For me, it's my way of holding it together because I know if I let go, even a little...it will ALL COME TUMBLING OUT. I've been doing that for years...but I don't think I ever let it out. Do you, dear Meredith? Do you know how to let it out?

I am sending you peace and understanding and strength to help others cope (Mr. 20 yr old). I cannot imagine what you're all going through...I just pray for everyone to be at peace...the living and the dying. Love to you. Annette

Sarah Sweethearts said...

This breaks my heart, you and your family are in my prayers. I pray that you can find comfort and peace in this time and joy from your little buddy to comfort your heart. The most peace I have ever found is in the Lord Jesus. Nothing has ever comforted me more, especially in difficult and trying times than faith in Him. Many prayers to you and your sweet family and friends in this time.

Unknown said...

Praying for you and your family.

Laura from beautiful West Michigan
lerounds on ravelery

Mindy said...

Praying for His strength for you, Meredith! Hugs to all.

EMMA said...

This must be so difficult for you all.
Sending prayers and hugs to all the family.
Emma.

Eileen Chrisjohn said...

Oh Meredith, my heart and prayers go out to you. I admire your strength during this trying time. Yes, the little ones help so much. I always feel like I've had a shot in the arm of peace and serenity when I come home after a visit with my babies. You seem to have received a Grace to get you through this. God Bless You!
(((HUGS)))
Eileen

Tree Hugger - Suzan said...

Meredith - my heart goes out to you!! Thank goodness you are there for both your mother and your MIL!
God bless you and your family - just take one day at a time!! And Breathe!!

Gracie Saylor said...

Meredith! In the midst of so many transitions in and around you, I am asking God to enable you to rest in Him...and have wisdom to cope with each need... and bring you others who can come along side you to offer practical assistance. Good for you in hiring housekeeping help! I am sending you Love and hugs from afar as well. xx

elns said...

I want to hug you so badly, Mere. You are an amazing woman with an amazing family. I send you my best wishes.

Gillian said...

Oh Meredith, i am so sorry. So much is going on in your life right now, I don't know where to start, but if it helps I am thinking of you and wish you all the very best. xx

Liz said...

Oh Meredith, you have so much on your plate. I'm sorry to hear about your MIL, and mother, and friend's husband. You do not sound callous. I work in a nursing facility every day. I have 160 on my case load and many of them wish to move on to a better place. Many people do not understand that there are worse things than death...but I do. The people I visit everyday are only a shell of who they really are. Don't get me wrong, there are many that live there that enjoy the life they live there. But the ones that are only existing, are a different story. I feel like my job makes me callous at times. I don't cry at the deaths, because I feel like the person is at peace and much better. I feel much older than my age sometimes. I face my own mortality daily and see my future. Death is so much a part of my life. So no, you are not callous. It's about quality of life, not quantity of life. I'm so glad Little Buddy is there for you. He will help you to feel young and full of life. Hang in there.
With much love,
Liz

Sangeetha said...

Found your blog today and this is the post that made me want to follow your blog and read more of your posts. While blogging is mostly fluff, pretty and rose tinted etc, you have poured your heart out so candidly, made me want to reach out to you. Also reminded me of my Dad whom I loved tremendously but I also wanted him to be free of pain.
Love from India.