The reality of life hits hard

Sometimes life throws you a real curve ball, or a whole series of them and you just don't know what to do except muddle though it all.  If you want a blog post about  pastel colors, bright and beautiful projects, and peaceful thoughts you might want to look elsewhere.  I have always promised to be real as a blogger.  That means you get to share the good and the bad, and sometimes there is a heap of bad.  My BIL's sudden death really surprised us, like I said before he was an amazing man and was suffering a great deal from his 25 year battle with Parkinson's Disease.  We were not expecting it, even though he was slowly losing ground.  Again, I am so thankful that my husband was able to get to Wisconsin to say good-bye before they took him off the respirator.  

Tuesday night I received a phone call from my Dad telling me that my Mother was being taken to the hospital emergency unit because she was ill.  Now I knew she had a a few days where she was sleeping a lot but did not know that she was this ill.  I drove over to the ER, and waited a couple of hours before finding out she had pneumonia.  Not a big surprise, she is bedridden, can not move and probably is aspirating some of the food that she is being fed.  She has recently become even more withdrawn, her eyes rarely open and when they do there is only a brief glimmer of recognition in them.  After a very late night visit I went home feeling a bit overwhelmed.  You see she wants to go, she has wanted to leave this earth for many years.  I grieve for her being in the state she is in, and I grieve that for some reason she is still here against her wishes.

She was still in the ER the following morning when I checked, she was waiting for a bed to become available in the hospital.  Little did I know that my MIL would soon join her.  You have heard me talk about her in the past, I adore this woman.  She is 95 1/2, is fighting pulmonary fibrosis and has just lost her son.  She traveled to Wisconsin for the funeral with the help of my SIL's.  Upon returning she has been struggling to breathe, so much so that she went into the ER Wednesday morning.   What are the chances one would be in room 1, and one in room 23, in the same ER?  After both being admitted the visits were interesting, race to see one, than the other, then come home so my husband could go and do the same thing.  Back and forth, and back and forth, from room to room, for several days.

My Mom is holding her own, I can not judge when the best time for her to leave this earth is, but I sure do not want her to suffer anymore.  She has suffered enough, and if it is not this time she has pneumonia, there will be a next time.  I sound a bit callous and I do not mean to, I lost my Mother many years ago, she is here in body but I believe that her spirit is elsewhere, the essence of my Mom left long ago.

My MIL got discharged into Hospice care yesterday evening.  She is fading fast, but still wants to live so much.  She always has been so active and such an inspiration, she still is as she is fading away from us.  My husband and his siblings are going to lose their brother and mother all in a matter of a week or two. It seems so sad, but I know she is really tired, tired of trying to breathe and terribly upset about her son's death.  It has taken the fight right out of her.

Mr. 20 year old arrives home for spring break tomorrow evening.  He has had a tough year and now when he wants to come home to regroup and think about his options, he has to find out the Grandmother he absolutely adores will be leaving us soon.  He loves my Mother too, it is just that she was much more of an observer as a Grandmother, while my MIL was much more of a participator. My boys are used to my Mom not being well, she has been ill for over 3 years, but my MIL has been doing really well until just recently. My teenager has been here for all of this, he has seen both of them decline, Mr. 20 year old has not.

On another note of', "I just can't believe this!"  My dearest friend Lynda, who lives in North Carolina found out that her husbands stage IV lung cancer is progressing fast.  Lynda just had a mastectomy and now has to start chemotherapy treatments for breast cancer.  She has to take care of her husband, and fight for her life all at the same time.  I can not even imagine that.  She is so far away I can not help, only by phone, which is very frustrating.  She is so strong and the best friend ever, and frankly she is worried about me!  Can you imagine that with what she is going through?

This little one below is going to be so good for all of us.  My Little Buddy makes you smile and laugh at his antics all the time.  He is doing amazing and feels quite at home here in our house.  Not only is he going to help my husband and I get through all of this mess, he is going to help his brother's and his aunt's, too.  Little ones are blessed that way, and they bless us just by being around us.

Sorry for the doom and gloom.  So much has happened in the last week that is going to change the face of my family forever  The crazy thing is I am super calm, I get this way sometimes in crisis mode, and I am not sure if that is good or not.  I am just taking things hour by hour, taking a deep breath when I can, and letting the process of life and death work itself out.  And of course giving this little one lots of hugs, they help.

I am not writing this for you all to say, "Poor Meredith".  Life happens, the good and the bad, to all of us.  I am just letting you know what is taking place right now and why I will be only visiting sporadically.  There is a bigger plan, there always is.  I do not want the people I love to suffer, I want them to find peace.